![]() We cannot stress this enough: the characters in Facebreaker are criminally ugly. Another problem would be that the characters look mathematically better at the end of a fight, when they’ve had their faces pounded in. The problem with Facebreaker is that not a single one of the characters looks better than I look at five in the morning. Yes, after six hours of exfoliating and hair-ironing, I will emerge from my coccoon with a perfect outer coating that will last approximately thirteen seconds. For a moment, before my slow transformation, I like to savor my supreme, transient ugliness - it puts the coming gorgeousness in context. In a few moments, I will take a shower, wash my hair, and scrape the mud off my face with the help of a badger-fur brush and a German-engineered vintage-style safety razor. My expensive ornamental eyeglasses throw this portrait of me at sunrise way out of focus: I am a bad Halloween costume, suspended by some sick telekinesis. From the neck up, I am a disaster area: my stubble is like hobo vomit on a funny paper plastered to a sidewalk my hair resembles a hat that a lesbian would wear. There I am, stark naked, ripped, cut, toned, buff, well-endowed. We’ll begin with a paragraph in the first person:Įvery day, when I wake up, I usually end up accidentally looking in the mirror. Just to make sure we’re all on the same page, yes, Tekken is “ Virtua Fighter for people who never took art class”, and Dead or Alive is “ Street Fighter for people who failed study hall”. There’s a chance it could be that they failed art class on purpose, though we can get to that later, or not at all. Bottom line: Facebreaker is “ Tekken for people who failed art class.”
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